Dear Maggie:
I can’t cope with my wife’s menopause
"My wife is going through the
menopause, and it’s like living
with a dangerous dog that bites
and barks. She has lost her libido
which is leaving me feeling very
frustrated – the only consolation
being that she is such a nightmare
that I often wouldn’t want to make
love to her anyway! The pressure
of it all is revealing cracks that we
have managed to live with over the
years, but they are now widening
and dividing us more. Should I just
bury my head in the sand for the
next ten years?"
It is no wonder that many
marriages end in divorce at this
stage, or people slip into affairs, as the
pressure of the menopause can be
huge. However, your lovely wife will
return. If by burying your head you
mean not reacting when she ‘bites and
barks’, turning a blind eye to hurtful
behaviour, and staying solid and
consistent for her and the family, I
applaud you. To offer her patience and
kindness, gentleness and self-control,
grace rather than anger, has to be the
Holy Spirit’s way.
I am sure she does not like living
with herself like this either, and she
will have some awareness of how
prickly she has become. There is a
place for you to help her realise how
she is coming across to you and others.
The Holy Spirit offers her the gift of
self-control too, however much this
is in conflict with her huge hormonal
tides. So pick your moment and let her
know what is difficult for you.
We all have cracks in our own
personalities, and in particular in the
unique dynamic that spins between the
combination of the two personalities
within marriage. While these flaws
need grace, they also should not
be swept under the carpet. Take a
positive rather than confrontational
approach. Talk together about how
you both managed aggravations in the
past. What did you do that worked?
What attitude has helped you cope?
Having shared this history, rather than
attempting to ‘fix it’, ask each other
what might help now.
I also want to encourage you to
refocus on the positives. Write each
other a list of what you are grateful
for from the other, and make it a
regular habit to top it up. Make the
most of the greater freedom you have
at this stage in life, and think about
how you can use it to benefit your
marriage. Consider reinstating ‘date
nights’ together.
Women often shut down sexually
during the menopause. It can cause
us to put on weight, making us feel
less sexy physically, grieving the loss
of previous looks. Hormone changes
can give us fewer sexual urges than
before, coupled with psychological
factors of how we view older age and
the meaningfulness of sexual intimacy.
Hot flushes, greying hair and less
lubrication even when you do feel
turned on all conspire to undermine
your sexual confidence and drain you
of energy. It is going to take some
delicate skill on your part to coax her
gently on. Help her to find ways to feel
feminine, be that through nice clothes,
a makeover, or giving her a candle-lit
massage. Be romantic again.
Remember that cooling off
sexually doesn’t mean she doesn’t
love you any more. Reassure her that
you still find her sexy, whatever the
physical changes are. If she has put
on weight, help her to focus on the
positive bits that you both like. If she
is lacking sex drive, don’t give up all
together, but be physically intimate in
a low-key way so that you are keeping
the foundations to sex that you can
rebuild on in the future. Focus on
sensuality together, if not sexuality.
It may help her to know that when
you get cuddly you are not expecting
intercourse. When you do make love,
get some good lubricant such as Sylk
or TLC Lube, or Replens vaginal
moisturiser if you need something
internal as well.
When all else fails, go fishing,
hit the golf course, the gym, or do
whatever is your escape to regain your
equilibrium. It will all be worth it
when you are holding hands in your
old age, knowing that you have loved
and been loved to the deepest level.
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