Dear Maggie:
How often should we be having sex?
"My husband says we don’t have sex
as often as other people. How often
should we be having sex and how
can I respond without sinking under
the pressure?"
There are no hard and fast rules
when it comes to the frequency
of sex. Everyone is different and our
frequency of sexual intimacy is caused
by a cocktail of multiple emotional,
relational and physical factors which
may be as simple as not having a lock
on the bedroom door or as profound
as deeply entrenched hostilities.
Factors such as age, general
physical health and the duration of
the relationship all have an impact
on the frequency of sex. You may be
surprised to hear that couples with
children have sex more often (115
times a year) than people without
children (103 times a year).
Funnily enough, surveys show that
sexual frequency is even influenced by
what country you live in. A Global Sex
Survey by Durex found that people
from Thailand had the lowest average
sexual frequency at 64 times per year,
half the frequency of Americans. And
for us Brits you may not be surprised
to hear that we are less into sex than
the French, but we also come up lower
than the Germans and Russians.
The real point is, it is unlikely to
bring any creative change to know
what is ‘average’, since sex becomes
destructive when it is done without
heart and soul. It cannot be reduced
down to maths; even though my
husband and I were once found in a
café writing calculations on the back
of a serviette as to how many times
we might have been up to it in 25
years of marriage! More important is
to motivate ourselves to want to love
our husbands and wives in this way
since, if done well, it brings happiness
and unity.
Many people struggle with a low
sex drive or complete disinterest in
sex, which can be soul destroying
for them and their partner. Just
remember, all solid behavioural
change comes through taking small,
realistic steps in the right direction
that we build on gradually, rather
than attempting an Olympic long
jump with no training. Work out
what it is that has undermined your
sex drive, and if you cannot work it
out for yourself then go and talk to a
psychosexual counsellor.
It is important that we can tactfully
say no to sex in any relationship
without paying for that through
ensuing moods or punishments.
However, it is also important to learn
to say ‘yes’ more than ‘no’, so that
our partners do not become rejected
or frustrated. See 1 Corinthians 7:4-5.
The motivation behind saying ‘yes’
does not have to be that you are
feeling sexy*. It could be that you
want to feel close, intimate, you want
to communicate love to your partner
with more than words, you want to
relax, you want to learn, and so we
can go on. Expand your reasons for
wanting sex and build on the positives
that are there. As you move into
foreplay on this basis, bring down
any resistances and negative thoughts
in your mind and allow your body to
feel pleasure. Unsatisfying sex is often
due to us switching off our pleasure
sensors ourselves as well as needing
to teach our partners how to touch
us erotically.
All relationships demand
compromise, to meet each other half
way and understand each other’s
love languages, fears and physical
bodies. Keep talking with gentleness,
honesty and compassion on both
sides. Support each other in the
changes you both need to make.
This will also involve your husband
learning to control his sexual drives
without them turning into something
negative. Remember the journey is as
important and rich as the destination.
There will be many treasures of love
to be mined along the way.
Facts and Figures
1997 Durex Global Sex Survey; frequency
of sex per week
*Factors most important when
making love
Globally, the most important factor in making
love is satisfying one’s partner. 34% of
respondents placed this as a top priority.
Personal satisfaction ranked second (27%),
followed by not catching HIV/AIDS (18%),
avoiding unwanted pregnancy (16%), and
avoiding sexually transmitted diseases other
than AIDS (5%).
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