Dear Maggie:

I am struggling with celibacy

I became a Christian six months ago and am really struggling with the idea of not having sex before marriage. I used to be quite promiscuous – I have been single for a while and so had plenty of casual relationships to fill the gap. I can understand that this isn’t God’s design, but I’m finding it hard to control my sexual desires, and also I’m missing the closeness of a sexual partner.

It is really hard to limit our libido when it has been pretty active. Song of Songs (2:7) charges the daughters of Jerusalem: ‘Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.’ It is true that sexual love can be in an aroused or hibernating state. Tension comes when our sexual state is mismatched to our relational circumstances! Some have dug into hibernation while sleeping next to a saddened husband or wife while others, like yourself, find they need to simmer down due to their current situation.

It is really natural to miss the closeness of a sexual partner. Some pain in life cannot be fully avoided, although I believe it can be alleviated. You can lessen the pain through investing in good, close friendships, as some of what we miss is more the soul intimacy than the skin touch. However, skin touch is major as well. While nothing can replace sexual intimacy – which is why it is so special – we can help balance the skin touch desire through non-sexual skin touch. Some do this through sitting in the Jacuzzi and sauna after a workout, having a massage, or moisturising skin after a bath. A good hug from a friend can be helpful. Many of us live in much too cerebral an environment and would benefit so much from earthing our wiring through the arts and our varied senses.

We can actually help our libido to gradually go into hibernation by not fuelling it. So be careful what you watch and read. Also, there is a place at this stage in life for channelling our energies into new challenges through career or hobbies. This does help to divert our drives into channels that are currently available and fruitful, rather than constantly frustrating ourselves with a locked door.

It will really help if you can continue to see the good in the Christian teaching about saving sex for marriage. The more you can be convinced and truly value the lifestyle of waiting and saving yourself, the more strength you will have for the self-control that is needed. The Bible describes a profound bonding that is sealed through sex when ‘the two… become one flesh’ (Matthew 19:5). Current psychology is hugely influenced by attachment theory which describes how the physical and emotional bonding of a child to its primary caregiver lays the foundations for its future stability, personality and ability to thrive. If we were to continually break a child’s attachments and move them on from one parent figure to another, as happens in some fostering situations, we would create a profoundly damaged human being with deeply insecure attachments. When we bond with a sexual partner, then break the bond and attach again to another person, then another, we do ourselves psychological injuries similar to continually breaking the secure attachments of a child to its parent figure.

God encourages us to save sex for marriage, not because he is a killjoy, but because he knows we will flourish and prosper to our best design if we experience secure attachments. He just loves us to bits and wants the very best that is possible for us, within the fact that he cannot control everything!

Self-control is indeed a challenge, particularly when it comes to sex, because sex releases chemicals that make us feel good, and therefore can become addictive. There are no easy answers; it requires digging into character and commitment. However, the Holy Spirit has his own commitment and character to help us as much as he can, and self-control is one of the fruits of his character (Galatians 5:23).

Being celibate does not have to be a lonely walk, but can be one of love and hope and life, especially if we view this period of our lives as one in which we will have the time and energy to invest in strong platonic relationships, and service to God and others – read 1 Corinthians 7:32–40.

About the author

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  Margaret Ellis

  Maggie Ellis is director of Lifecentre Rape Crisis Service and a psychosexual therapist