Dear Maggie:
I don’t fancy my husband
"What can I do to make sex more
appealing if I don’t feel attracted to
my husband any more?"
There’s lots that you can do…
Take responsibility for the fact
that getting turned on is dependent
on firing the pleasure-sensing zones
of your brain. Sex is appealing when
you get pleasure from it, making you
want more. This is both emotional
pleasure, through the intimacy and
closeness it creates, as well as
physical pleasure, through all those
turned-on sensations.
Getting turned on is largely in
your own power, although it is also
important to teach your husband
what sort of touch you enjoy. Focus
in on what is stimulating about the
touch, allow yourself to feel sexy,
and let go of all those negative
thoughts. Centre on the nice feelings
and let them lead you. Feel confident
to let yourself go and be abandoned
with your husband. This is the true
gift of trust that makes sex such a
bonding experience.
You can also make sex more
appealing by nurturing your own
sensuality and letting this be the
foundation on which you make love.
For some, this is done through
wearing a beautiful negligee in the
bedroom, putting on a pair of high
heels, moisturising your skin, how
you take off clothes (or what you
leave on), scents, light, music,
privacy, and the linked thoughts in
your head. None of these are
must-haves or don’t-haves. What is
important is that you have doorways
to open up your God-given
femininity and sexuality. When you
make love with your husband, base
yourself on your own sensuality,
rather than being dependent on him.
Give to him from this place so that
your love-making is a gift from your
abundance to make him feel special,
adored and sensual himself – let him
catch it from you. Maybe in doing
this you will unlock something more
erotic and passionate in him too that
will cause his image in your eyes to
be changed. So much of what we
think we see is actually what we
project and have introjected. Nurture
what you do have control of that is
within yourself, and don’t be
surprised if the world changes
around you as a result. Why do they
say ‘beauty is in the eye of the
beholder’? How we see people affects
what they look like.
But after all that stuff which
takes your focus off your husband’s
body, let’s also think about direct
attraction. Some of this is physical,
and it may be there are things you
can work on with him to change his
look through his wardrobe style as
well as through dieting and exercise.
Present this positively so as not to
crush his ego, but let him realise that
it is important to you. Also, allow
yourself to break down attraction
into different parts, as nothing is
global. If you are turned off by his
belly, maybe you like his height, or
the look in his eyes. Focus on what
you are attracted to and don’t let the
negative features eclipse all else. The
other thing you can do is to
remember back to a time in your
relationship when you did feel
attracted to him, and remember what
that was like.
Let’s also acknowledge that
attraction is not a purely physical
thing. Attraction is fuelled by
respect – happy feelings with that
person. Focus on what makes you
feel good about being with your
husband and feed your eyes on that.
Check out if there are any emotional
barriers between you and face them
together, as the physical is often an
expression of the emotional. This is
true sexually as well as in other
areas of health. The dynamic also
flows back in the other direction:
when women have an orgasm we
release oxytocin which makes us
feel more in love. It lowers our
defences, makes us trust more and
increases levels of empathy. When
we are aroused, up to 30 different
parts of the brain are activated,
including those responsible for
emotion, joy and satisfaction. Two
minutes before an orgasm the
brain’s reward centres also become
activated! It means that after sex we
are more likely to let our guard
down and feel in love with our man.
So let yourself get to that point and
trust God to join up the dots, as you
focus on all the positives available
to you.
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