Dear Maggie:
My friend is too needy
"I have a problem with a friend. About seven years ago she was abandoned by an alcoholic husband, who made them both bankrupt at the same time.
I am aware that she has virtually no other friends and really relies on my company and invitations, but we have little in common and she is one of the most irritating people I have ever encountered.
I have a huge guilt complex about her and I keep praying that she will make some kind of a life for herself, and not be waiting at the end of the phone for me to invite her over.
My way of coping with this difficult relationship is to set boundaries, but she is due to retire soon and will want to spend more time with me, so I see difficult times ahead."
In my experience, we tend to be
taught in Christian circles a
version of Christianity that trains us
well in saying ‘yes’, but leaves us
under-equipped to say ‘no’ in a
guilt-free way. I want to honour you
and multitudes of others who in the
non-glamour of real life have served
needy people at personal expense.
There will always be a
commissioning for us as ‘little Christs’
to do this. In the words of Jesus: ‘I
was a stranger and you invited me in,
I was sick and you looked after me…
whatever you did for one of the least
of these brothers of mine, you did for
me’ (Matthew 25). However, it is not
the whole truth. When the crowds
clamoured, Jesus escaped for some
peace and quiet saying to his disciples:
‘“Come with me by yourselves to a
quiet place and let’s get some rest.” So
they went away by themselves in a boat
to a solitary place.’ (Mark 6:31-32).
The story of the Good Samaritan in
Luke 10 models this principle in more
detail to us. He gave what was within
his resources and capacity to give: he
gave the innkeeper two silver coins he
had on his person (v35). This was not
digging beyond his resources at that
point of time. He then left the needy
man. He walked away. He did not say
when he would return, just that he
would return at some point in order
to cover any further costs. This meant
he could come back in his own time
when he had the resources. The needy
man was helped in his point of crisis
to get back into being able to fend for
himself. He was re-empowered. He was
not made dependent – practically or
emotionally.
I perceive that the Samaritan’s
resources were practical (money
and physical care) but also time (he
had other things to get on to) and
emotional (any human being coming
across someone covered in blood
from an attack is going to be affected
themselves). He did not get pulled
beyond what he could comfortably
give in any of these areas. Jesus sets up
the Samaritan’s response as a model of
good behaviour for us. The parable tells
us as much about what we should not
do as what we should.
First of all I want to be blunt
and say that this lady is not your
friend. Friendship involves mutual
enjoyment which you do not describe.
She is a needy person for whom your
resources are to be given with the aim
of empowering her to build her own
life, without being dependent on you.
In addition, your resources are to be
given within what you can comfortably
give, just like the Good Samaritan. Be
specific about what you can give and
what you cannot. Communicate clearly.
Whatever you say, stick to it and don’t
then give more! Also explain that this
offer may change in the future as you
get older: you may not feel you have
the capacity for this forever and you
will be honest with her if this becomes
too much for you.
There is a growth opportunity for
you in this which will be part of the
healing and wholeness God is working
into you. Rather than focusing all your
mental energy on worrying about her,
start to focus on what God is seeking
to strengthen in you. Is it learning from
the Good Samaritan to walk away and
let go? Is it about the rescuer in you? Is
there learning around how to speak the
truth more clearly rather than through
hints and diversions?
Remember, sometimes the deeper
love is to say and act ‘no’.
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