Dear Maggie:
My husband has withdrawn
"I have been married for three
months. My husband and I are both
in our 40s. When we met, we
laughed a lot and talked for hours.
He was very expressive physically
as well as verbally, until about six
weeks ago. He stopped holding my
hand. Now he never kisses me if I
do not kiss him first. He never hugs
me or says anything to show how
he feels. I do not know if there is
any feeling of love left for me.
The only time he touches me is
when he wants to have sex. He
penetrates me within seconds,
without foreplay, which is painful. I
feel very resentful and used
because this is the only time there
is any physical contact between us.
About a month ago I asked him
about it directly, pointing out this
was not how we used to be. He was
just silent. I have explained how I
feel on several occasions now, but
this seems to have made the
situation worse. He actually said
that if I keep going on about this, it
will push him away. What can I do?"
Your new husband sounds like
he has a very different concept
of how to be within marriage than
when dating. He is shutting down
because of his lack of skill in handling
a woman who needs an emotional and
sexual lover. Hating failure, he would
rather play a power game with you,
trying to bar you from challenging
him, and punishing you when you seek
to communicate. This doesn’t make it
right, but I am hearing a man who is
overwhelmed and reverting to models
of marriage that he remembers in his
subconscious and therefore feels safer
with, despite the fact that it contradicts
logic.
Take a step back from the direct
issues and learn how to be together first
– how to enjoy time off, relax, hear
about each other’s days. You are a
newly married couple with a lot to
adjust to in having someone else
around. Learn each other’s daily and
weekly rhythms: when to give each
other space to unwind quietly, and
when to have fun together. Sometimes
things that are rejected are not an
absolute position, but a matter of
timing. Not being prepared to talk has
a backdrop of whether you’re tired or
relaxed, for example. It is easy to panic
and go into your own fears of rejection
and disaster rather than find ways to
believe the best. Living with the realities
of the wiring of the opposite sex can be
a weird and wonderful experience.
You say, ‘I do not know if there is
any feeling of love left for me.’ This
may be a bit dramatic considering that
he stopped being physically
demonstrative only six weeks ago.
Believe in the love that you have built
together and all that has been expressed
in the past.
I wonder what model of marriage
he grew up with as a child, and
therefore what he assumes to be
normal? The task is going to be to
gradually build your own vision of
marriage as a new couple. I would
recommend you do the HTB Marriage
Course to help you lay some good
foundations. Log on to
relationshipcentral.org to
find one near you, or alternatively order
the DVDs and do it at home. Don’t
present the idea to your husband as a
response to your hurt and his failure, as
he will then just perceive doing the
course as a prolonged way of shaming
him.
When it comes to sex, don’t allow
him to penetrate you without foreplay.
Tell him you want to touch for longer,
to make him feel good as well as you.
Turn the attention onto tantalising him
with some nice touch and egging him
on to giving you the same, rather than
turning it into an argument about the
lack of foreplay. Don’t ever allow him
to just ‘penetrate you within seconds’.
He may be worried that he will
ejaculate during foreplay rather than
being able to wait, so be careful not to
touch his penis too much. If he does
ejaculate too soon, encourage him that
it is not a big deal and just something
that you will get better at together as
you learn to make love.
Your husband probably needs to
feel some successes. Hold up his
strengths while gently waiting for the
quality of love that truly reflects your
commitment to each other.
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