Dear Maggie:
The Sex Factor
"Is there ever a place for pornography
in a relationship?"
The problem with pornography
is it brings in the presence of
other people to your sexual
relationship. Christian sexual ethics
are based on monogamy, faithfulness
and exclusivity. This brings a profound
security and stability that is often not
fully appreciated by those who haven’t
experienced the lack of it. Though
pornography can bring more easy
arousal, it’s a bit like living on
chocolate bars for quick shots of sugar
that leave us depleted of sustainable
energy in the long-term. Pornography
brings a lot of baggage with it. We can
end up feeling unsexy ourselves, or
dissatisfied with our partners. We can
crave fantasies that are impossible to
recreate in real life. Pornography can
also deceive us into thinking that
arousal and sexual gratification are the
treasures, rather than the language of
adoration and intimacy – which
ultimately leads to a much more
all-encompassing release.
"Is it wrong to experiment with sex
within marriage, eg giving blow jobs?"
God gives us a freedom within
our marriages to turn each other
on, and enjoy making each other feel
loved in whatever ways we are both
comfortable with. The Bible is not
prescriptive about particular acts, but
simply gives us principles to apply. The
principles I would suggest include
faithfulness, not hurting each other
emotionally or physically, and
everything being fully consensual.
Experimentation within such
healthy boundaries is good as it stops
sex from getting boring and
unsatisfying. 1 Corinthians 7:5 tells
us not to abstain from sex for too
long; in order to fulfil this with our
hearts in it, it needs to be mutually
enjoyable. People have their own
personal preferences as to what is
tasteful to them and what is not, and
that should be respected within an
overarching freedom under God to
experiment. Oral sex can be a good
additional ‘string to your bow’; just
keep the overall experience satisfying
for both people most of the time.
"Does sex always have to be ‘love
making’ in marriage? Or can it be
cheeky/dirty/sexy?"
These questions are subtle to
answer as we are playing with
the semantics of each of our
understandings of the specific words
used. Good sex is a connected
experience between body and
relationship. It is physically arousing
and emotionally bonding and
intimate, all at the same time. If we
disconnect and it becomes an entirely
physical experience (good or bad) it
messes us up.
If ‘cheeky’ involves it being playful
and fun, then go for it. If ‘sexy’ means
you get in touch with the erotic side
of your passion for each other, then
that is part of the fire of love. If ‘dirty’
brings in disrespect for the other and
cheapens the treasure of their body,
then it will be like a rotten apple that
will ruin your luscious fruit bowl.
"Should sex be initiated by both
men and women, or just men?"
It is not at all wrong for women
to initiate sex and take the lead
at times. The ideal for a relationship is
that there is an easy mix of both
people initiating whenever they want
to, and with sensitivity to when it is
appropriate for the other person.
Initiating sex is a sign that you want to
be intimate with your partner and that
you are attracted to them. Both men
and women have this built into them.
There are many drives that cause us to
initiate sex – not just feeling raunchy.
It is good to tap into the many sources
that can make us want to make love. It is also important not to feel ashamed
when we do feel in the mood. That is a
lovely compliment to give to your
partner, to make them feel desired.
"What is your view on domestic
violence? Should women leave or
stick it out?"
Violence in any relationship is
always wrong. We should always
honour and respect other people’s
bodies, whatever our relationship with
that person. The Bible makes it clear
that there are behaviours which break
the marriage covenant. I don’t believe
either men or women should ‘stick it
out’ if their partner is being violent
towards them. It is damaging to the
souls of both people. If you are in this
situation, I recommend strongly that
you contact your local domestic abuse
outreach service and create a safe plan
as to how to remove yourself from the
possibility of any further violence.
womensaid.org.uk
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