Dear Maggie:
Can I divorce my abusive husband?
My husband is a recovering alcoholic and drug user. He is also a spendaholic which he has not yet come to terms with. He has admitted having affairs and going with a prostitute. He rejects any sexual advances that I make and on the few times he wants sex, he always starts it. I have handed this over to God. What I cannot handle is the verbal abuse. He is quite a bully. Nothing I do is good enough and he keeps calling the house a slum, which it is not. If I forget to buy something, it is the end of the world. If supper is ready early he is not hungry, if it is late, he is starving. I know he is doing it because he is unhappy about himself and he takes his anger out on me. We have three lovely children who all love their father and, as we are both Christians, I want divorce to be the last option. But I feel it is heading this way as I am beginning to hate him. When I try to talk to my husband he just ignores me or insults me.
I have tried handing this over to God, but it is dragging me down and life is beginning to feel like it is not worth living. My husband gets tired very easily and is too tired to help with the children. All the jobs are down to me even though I have MS. My family do not know why I stay with him. I sometimes wish he would give me black eyes so that others could see the abuse and I could leave for the safety of our children.
I keep hoping God will change him. I can live with not having a loving marriage but I no longer feel I can live with being made to feel like I am a bit of dirt he picked up on his shoes.
You have lived for many years in a relationship that is a far cry from marriage as God designed it. You are to be admired for the forgiveness and patience you have extended to your husband in his weaknesses. You have been faithful to God’s values that marriage is not something to be given up on lightly. However, whilst emphasising that we should do all we can to honour marriage, scripture also respects that there are occasions when this is no longer possible or right. Exodus 21:10 teaches that a husband must not deprive a woman of her ‘food, clothing and conjugal love’. These three grounds for divorce were written into Jewish and Graeco-Roman marriage documents in the 1st century and meant that if you were suffering neglect from your marital partner, you could be released from the marriage.
In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul refers to these three grounds for divorce, talking about them as obligations of maintaining the marriage covenant. He summarises “provision of food and clothing” as “caring for” or “pleasing” your partner.
Conjugal love includes sexual intercourse, but should not be reduced to only that. To quote David Instone-Brewer in his excellent book ‘Divorce and remarriage in the church’: “physical affection can be demonstrated in many different ways and often a hug is far more appreciated than intercourse.”
The ancient Rabbis interpreted ‘conjugal love’ to include respect, because they allowed a woman to divorce a man who demanded that she did degrading things or who refused to let her visit her relatives. We know that Jesus also specifically permitted divorce where there was ‘marital unfaithfulness’ (Matthew 19.9).
On several fronts, therefore, according to scripture, I believe you are free to leave this marriage if you choose. Your husband has been sexually unfaithful as well as subjecting you to ongoing abuse and neglect. We should not be beholden to other people being able to see a black eye: ultimately our consciences are before God, not other people. They can never fully know your journey. The route forward is between you and God, but please make sure it is taking you forwards not backwards.
Your life, mind and body are of infinite value – fearfully and wonderfully made by a caring heavenly father. The nature of life on earth is that we all go through suffering and, indeed, all love has its cost. However, there is an expectation to treat ourselves with respect (“love your neighbour as you love yourself”) which means that for the type of suffering that we can resist, we are empowered to say ‘no’. The fact that what you are enduring has taken you to the point where life is beginning to feel like it is not worth living indicates to me that you have put up with too much and that it is time to revert to discovering what it means to value yourself. I am acutely aware that divorce is not an easy option either and you and your husband may find a better solution, but please don’t subject yourself any longer to being treated like dirt – you are worth more than that.
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