Dear Maggie:
Masturbation controls me
I am a single lady in my late 30s. I have never been married and have had only one relationship with a man, which I ended as he was not a believer. Since my early teens, masturbation has dominated my life to the extent I feel it controls me and it does not become any easier as I get older. I find myself in a cycle of ‘sinning and repenting’, with masturbation and the fantasies that accompany it. Scripture tells us that it is better to marry than burn with passion, but there is never any opportunity for me to meet anyone who I can get to know, and as we are told not to be yoked to unbelievers, where does that leave me? I know there is more to a relationship than sex and I have very little physical contact in the form of hugs from anyone and I miss this so much. The whole issue is becoming overwhelming for me and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I have asked to make myself accountable to Christians in the past, but they have never followed me through on this and I end up angry that I have taken the courage to do this and still get nowhere.
My heart goes out to you, as you sound like a time bomb waiting to explode. It’s time to listen to your ticking and take some incisive action. We can get ourselves into ridiculously unhealthy ways of living in the name of Christian morality. I’m glad to hear you becoming assertive and saying that you don’t want to spend the rest of your life like this – quite right!
Clearly you are missing out on the basic human need we all have for physical contact and touch. There are many ways in which you can bring this into your life without a sexual relationship. Here are some ideas: start by greeting your close friends with a hug when you see them. Find a ballroom dancing or Salsa class where you don’t have to come with your own partner. I guarantee you it will give you a new lease of life and fun! Book a regular massage at a price you can afford. If the local beauty salons are too expensive, find your nearest college training beauticians, as they will be looking for members of the public to practise on for a tiny fee; that’s my little secret! What about getting an affectionate breed of dog or a purring-machine cat? My black Labrador will lick me to death on arrival home from a draining day.
The next step is to create some opportunities for making some wider Christian relationships. You have got into a fantasy world with men and need to challenge this with some real relationships, Christian and non-Christian. Get out in the big wide world of broader church, through national events like Spring Harvest, New Wine or whatever floats your boat. Volunteer as a steward or work on a team, which helps to build relationships more easily than just attending. Alternatively, book onto a Christian holiday. There are also some well monitored Christian internet dating sites which run regular events for people to get together. Of course, be wise and careful in meeting people through the Internet, but with caution, it can be done safely as adults. People under 18 should never do this, as it would not be safe.
If finding someone to be accountable to in your church isn’t working out, why not seek out a Spiritual Director and make a more formal commitment to seeing someone on this basis?
As for the masturbation itself, recognise the build-up of feelings before you want to masturbate and find alternative outlets for these needs. It’s difficult to avoid time alone with yourself, but you could look at the patterns and cycles which lead to masturbation. Be conscious of when you do it, and actively find things which will break the pattern. Are there specific things which stimulate your desire to masturbate such as talking about sex, reading erotic fiction or watching sexually explicit films? Avoid these things. If it’s last thing at night, you could read until you are tired, or use the time for prayer. Be encouraged each time you resist this addiction, strengthening your confidence that it is possible, rather than beating yourself up when you don’t manage it.
Above all, remember grace. The grace brought to you through Christ redeems you. No sin, even a repeated one, is outside the cleansing redemption which he offers. Nothing you can do can make him love you any less.
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